Q. Why is Phil famous?
A. Phil is famous simply by virtue of being famous. One morning Phil woke up to a loud knocking at the door. That knocking was FAME. Phil let FAME right into his home and made it pancakes. Soon they were making love and ever since that day Phil and FAME have been inseparable.
Q. No, but really, what sort of skills/talents does Phil have?
A. You are missing the point. Phil’s skills and talents are that he is a major celebrity. He is able to lend an air of class and sophistication to an event simply by being present. He is a trusted spokesperson for products and services because people care what brand of ketchup (hit Phil up if you work in marketing for Hunt’s or Heinz) famous people put on their hotdogs. Also, see PHIL’S SKILLS.
At last count there were eight 24-hour stations dedicated to celebrity coverage and over 50 magazines dedicated to keeping those waiting in supermarket checkout lines updated on celebrity cellulite news. The fact that these numbers are completely made up doesn’t diminish the fact that there is an almost unlimited amount of media to fill, and a finite number of celebrities to cover. It’s a good thing that Phil came along when he did! There are only so many times Showbiz Tonight’s AJ Hammer can talk about a real housewife from such-and-such.
Q. I am in need of a celebrity! Can Phil help?
A. Yes. No matter what situation you are in, if a famous person is needed, Phil is your man. Email Phil, or shoot him a tweet for pricing information. Fees are inversely proportional to how naked Phil is required to be. (Or is it proportional? If you want Phil naked, you have to pay!)
Q. Is all of this some sort of performance art piece commenting on society’s obsession with celebrity and a generation of young adults demanding rewards simply for existing?
A. Whatever.
